"Thank You"

Fantastic, thank you for everything, Thank you for crushing me like this.

Just when i fixed my feelings and emotions and pen down on a few pieces of paper before this 2012 ends for you.
Just when i was about to head out to drop the letter into your letterbox..
Just when i thought my decision of dumping my two friends to Taiwan was wise because i really couldn't bear to head to places we said we will go without you.
Just when i thought I am all ready to slowly piece everything back and awaits your return.

You are on a morning flight to Hong Kong with her?!

Thank you really thank you.

Thank you and happy 2013

November END - Loss

It was a hard month to begin with, as usual.
So many things happened.

Sometimes i feel Heaven is really making me a fool. To throw into so much only when i lost you completely.
I will learn my lesson, but why so harsh why so cruel?

Why make me lose someone i love so much without giving me a chance to see what was even happening?
Why took my nephew away just like this when we were just this close and looking forward to having the same birthday as me in 2 months time?

WHY???

This is too cruel, too depressing; that i wish i could die.

It's so hard to persist on and dealing with the heartache all alone.
Having to suffer the way it is now, having to see my sister burying herself in sorrows, having to see my sister going all out to help each other despite how much we find it hard to.

Do we really deserve this?

Even the trip to Genting with Colleagues were filled with you.

Please help me to move on.. Please...

October END - Long to Be Close to You

Days are passing by faster now, at the rate I'm keeping myself busy; for the sake of it.
This month was a month of Ruin to myself, i should say. With the almost weekly spending and damages done to my health and wallet.

Once again, is a whole new chapter of life lesson i learn from..
In additional, everywhere i go, whatever i do, memory never leaves me; memory of us.

Sucks to be me..

I went through within 2weeks on how a friend went totally insane after a break up, thinking irrationally and of course, behaving one oddball who totally do not deserve any attentions because all she did is to make use of whoever around at the very moment; particularly Me.

Of course, I've been through done that.
I guess i have done enough for her as a friend and in order for her to wake up her senses and see earlier what I could have seen, i could only be harsh to her, after 2weeks of tolerance.

Well, she woke up now. :)
I am glad she did it in time and she is all thankful to me.
I am really glad even as much as she may just be doing this because she still want me as a friend but not entirely waking up.
But one thing for sure, i could see she is picking up her pieces and i am really really glad...

And i can't help but to feel "unjustified", at times.
How i wish i have someone to wake me up in time when i wasn't irrational enough and yet thinking i was...
Because with that, i probably still have You.

Talking about sales, talking about work. I wish i can happily hit the keyboard with BIG HAPPY CAPS on HOW WELL I DID FOR MY SALES~!

But sadly, not time for that yet. Or maybe, not that i will ever?

I have been keeping myself positive from the first day of work in Ethoz. Dealing with all sorts of emotions and of course, all the big logic and big tips of survival in life and in work.
But like they said, where the hell is my LUCK.
I just can't freaking hell close some big good deals!
I am still holding on, at least till this year is over.. Till 2012 proves that 2012 isn't the END..

Last week Halloween was my ever first halloween.
And trust me, is also probably gonna be my last.

Maybe as time passes and as we grow up, we see and take things differently, especially after so much we have been through.

I get so sick of clubs and whenever the people around me are going all crazy, i stood there wondering, is life really about all these? Apparently not.
But again, you are only young once. And I just happened to pass that phase....
Right after the end of us..

I wouldn't blame that i was young, i was naive (i could say i was), to cause such damage to us.
Because ultimately even if it was, excuses are no longer valid now; to even make you come back.

So much in things in life is so unpredictable that even WE didn't expect such a outcome.
I have stopped figuring out why how and what made us this way..

I am still trying to accept and of course, forgive myself.
Guess that's e only way for me to move on my life as a better self, no?

I didn't want us to be just part of the experiences and lessons in both of our life to make us a better person moving forward..
But just how fair can life be?
It doesn't tolerate mistakes.

I wish i could show you how i am now.

Each time i think about us, i would laugh and cry.

Laugh because we shared practically too much things in life that whatever i do, you just never leave me.
Cry because we could no longer create more from there and reaches to where we said we will.
I hate to remember how you didn't want me to be around anymore.

There's so much i want to say to you but i guess it all doesn't matter to you anymore.

Whole world is waiting for me to be happy and move on.
But if this is so easy, i guess what we shared for the past 6 years plus isn't anything.

Hate to say but you matter so much and you no longer tolerate mistakes and forgiveness.

Maybe there isn't love anymore from you. But i could boldly say, i still do all the while and expectations killed us.

Again and again, you can do this, so can i.......
I can do without you soon.... I can......

September END

It is the end of September.

Everyday, every week of every month always allow me to bring home with something to remember, recall and most importantly, learn about.
Every of such experiences never fails to trigger bits and pieces of You.

I wouldn't say its bad, neither it is good.
Good because i know i am growing, i am going ahead better than i ever thought i could be.
Bad because i know its all too late. And as much as i wish You would see the growth of me.. I know i can only keep wishing..

For whatever that You have done to me despite all of my tries, i just kept finding a valid reason for You.
Maybe it's all gonna be worth it, and maybe it's not, too..

I attended a colleague's housewarming this afternoon.
They are a pair of 9years ongoing strong marriage couple, who got married as young as 20 years old.
They finally have a place of their own, a place they can called Home. A place for just the two of them.

So many thoughts were running.

I saw a BIG STANDING Tweety Bird in their master bedroom.
It was a surprise from her to him 8years ago.

Maybe its just me.. But i was holding back most of the times. Holding back the emotions..

Following up with Ting's 21st at Capella Hotel.
It brought back memories of Your 19th Bday, a so called surprise celebration with a gathering of your friends and family.
Pouring every single cents out for that.
Spending the unforgettable precious nights at the chalet after-celebration..

It is tough, really tough.
I wish i have all the chances all over again to mend whatever i have not done right.

Maybe you had successfully threw everything of us away..
Thank you for everything.

Jiayou to me, once again; to also enjoy life like you are now, without each other..

99

It is your day, it is only right that you are not at home.
It is your day, it is also only right that when I am no longer part of you and eventually not be part of your day today.

You may be with someone who can makes the best out of today for you better than what i have done for the past 6 years.

You may be happier, you may even be stronger than who you were before, you may be everything you wish you were now.

I can only hereby wish you all the best.
Happy 24th Birthday, i miss you.

For everything i have done for us, i do it with my best.
I will be able to let you go soon, i hope.

Because, you are no longer the one i used to know..
I never thought it could be this painful.

I will do it and i can do it..

Achey Heart

I would say, I'm coping averagely well at work; with colleagues mainly. To be able to survive in the company is probably coming slightly more important than finding more sales now.

Just had a Teo Heng session with the colleagues and came back to my turtle shell again. It's a torturous nightly thing.

The wedding on Sunday was rather a blow to me.
In fact, i don't think i am in a proper condition to be attending such occasions. And to be in all honesty, if it wasn't because of a strong front, i wouldn't and never will even be thinking of attending.
Because I know everyone just wants to see me Happy once again and i guess, the very least i can do something sensible, is to appear good, all good. Even if its gonna be just as damaging to my heart.

I thought of us, naturally. Imagining all the times, how perfect and how much better ours gonna be compared to what they had on that night.
The "chemistry" between that couple, I could boldly say, "Wait till you guys sees Bryan and me."
The mind just kept going on, because that was exactly the stage i wanted to see myself in with You.

So heart breaking and i could only keep pretending to look at my phone, looked at the surrounding, smiling away and holding back those tears. My god, i didn't know it could be this challenging, so painful.

And came home to drown in tears with the constant slap on myself with WHY, just WHY did I wanted so much and inflicted unnecessary stress on our Future.

I been trying to keep myself occupied. With whatever that comes along for me.
I club with whoever just asked to go. I drink with whoever just want to drink. I buy whatever which i think buying it can make me happy even if its temporary.

I looked at the amount i saved, looking at the life i m leading now.. It just don't match.
I wanted so much to share with you on whatever i have now, going through the shits and goods together.
I am finally able to do it and be stronger. I am almost sure you would love how i am now.
Just how, am i supposed to live on without you.

We had only gone to Phuket and Batam, we can go HongKong Taiwan places we been saying wanting to go. We can go already. so painful to hold on so painful to fake it through and i only have the blog to come to at e end of e night.

I know you are having a good life now. I can do it soon! 

7 Alone

I was home alone dragging the day to be here, but it eventually have to come.
Please never forget this date.

Happy Supposedly 7th Anniversary. 

I really really miss you.

'Cause You Give Me Something

I am here again because my wound acted up painfully just a moment ago and i decided to blog down before i end my night.

Was sorting out the bills and personal math, i decided to check out the Starhub Rewards Points from my mobile plan.
Having had too many accounts and passwords to remember, naturally i forgot about this.

However, i managed to break through it with just 1 try from the secret question that popped up for me.

When is your wedding anniversary?

Is a date i will never forget, a date i pretty much deemed as wedding anniversary. 

I still do miss you a lot.. So much, so so much..

Sunday

I miss you all over again..

I can't get over you, what am I suppose to do?
Am I really not deserved to be happy?

You can do it, why is it not my turn?

Your selfishness win hands down. If I were as selfish as you said, i guess i won't still be hanging around like how i am at it for as long as whatever happened to us.

Selfish, You. Not me..

Raining in Heart

Today is a day I think i would want to pen it down; blog it down. I shall start from the very beginning of my morning, till this very moment of mine..

She asked me for this favor to drive down a car each to deliver to her customer. Was trying to be obviously be as helpful as i can be, i agreed so.
With her driving the new Camry for her customer, i drove her Integra. Purpose is so that she has a car to be back to office, not having had to trouble any of our company's drivers.

 I was of cos too eager to help, or maybe i should say, too eager to please, i didn't insist on getting the destination's address for my own info and guide. At least with that, i could do a quick a google for directions; and not just relying solely on following her car back on the road.

So shit happened.

No idea what the heck was she rushing, maybe she was really running out of time and rushing for delivery of car. So with her "godly" driving skills, i lost her on the highway.
With me having no bit of idea where the heck she is heading, i called her and finally asked for the address.

Not to my surprise, i lost my way and couldn't locate where the hell i am. (oh, through this experience, i am so determined to get a iPhone)
I ended up bumming around and she finally called to ask me to just drive back to office while she gets a driver to pick her up.

At that very moment, all i felt was, STUPIDITY. And of cos, quite expected that i will be the hit of topics during their coffee session. Well, i was right anyway.

Second part of my day was having able to fix 2 appointments with my cold called customers.
Having to know that he also changed to a new BMW, makes me feel even little......

After lunch with the Senior,  meetings and some entertaining and non-entertaining laughters to get pass our afternoon over coffee and snacks.. I would say the second half passed faster.

The evening ended when Boss came to our area with a short brief and "nag".
Just when i left office close to 7pm, a Whatsapp and a call came.

Zhiwei bummed into him.
Surface question includes, "How is Yvonne?"

EXCUSE ME? That's worst that being FAKE.
Just last week, my sister apped you. Just last fucking week and you ignored her as though she was a joke.
Excuse me? SHE USED TO BE SOMEONE WHO DOTE ON YOU MORE THAN YOUR OWN BLOODY SISTERS.

She didn't love you as her brother out of what you said the so called 爱屋及乌. 
Do you know how fucking hurtful it is to know? Do you know how fucking inhuman you are to someone who treated you this real; again, MORE THAN YOUR BLOODY FUCKING SISTERS.
Not even you having the slight sincerity to at least, wish her a Happy Birthday TODAY. 
WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE TO COME INTO MY FAMILY AND MAKE YOUR BUSINESS EVERYBODY'S? 

You chose Freedom over Love. 
You chose Ego over Love. 
You chose yourself over Love. 
So, this is what you really meant by Loving me?
Every word you said was all bullshit. You never really loved me. 

IF this is what you called Love, and how i ever loved you was wrong because it did came with certain expectations for the future of us; then i guess i will never love again. Because you made me feel that my definition of Love doesn't work. 

I am so tired of finding excuses for the way you are treating me now. I am so tired of myself feeling just how i am now. I am so tired of how i am living my days ever since i figured out issues with us many months ago, years ago. 

If Love shouldn't come with expectations, then what can we be?
Or should i say, all these while, it was just superficial love from you. Real love doesn't get beaten down this easily. No? 

Because all the while i am constantly working it through on my own, why just when for a moment i could no longer hang on, you didn't bother to hold on till we are back? 

Till the day i said i want a time off, i never had utter a part of Not Loving You Anymore.. Because i jolly well know how bad of me to be a liar to lie about this.
And you?

You said it, without hesitation. 


Very painful, so so so painful.....

Lost

Believe it or not, i have already lost trust, lost heart, lost hopes and lost myself.
I can't dictate what's Life what's Love anymore, really not anymore..

Im so restless now, so so restless...

Pain

Today was yet another uncontrollable day.

The "DO NOT CRY, DO NOT CRY" didn't seems to really work, even during daytime in the office. How come it just gets tougher as days goes? I thought it was suppose to be better by now!?

The moment i read the messages between Horsy and him, i couldn't control what was meant to be DO NOT. I just cried, it just streamed down that cheeks. WHY?
The harder i try, the more impossible everything gets. WHY?

How did i learn to sob the way i'm at it so well, so quietly on my own?

I thought this was what i initially wanted to see him going into, as a form of growing up. But little did i expect that having known that he is finally doing it without me could be this painful.. So painful.

I miss you so much so so much. So much so much that I wish i never had wanted so much out of us.
So much so much that I wish i never had chosen to take a single risk of us, naively thinking it was a constructive solution temporarily.

So pain now that i couldn't stop, thinking and crying. So pain that i could only do this on my own.

Im sorry i was so foolish, so crazy. Please.. i am sorry. I wanted so much to have everything back. I do not want any more rational solutions, better planned future. I do not want anything anymore. Because i only wanted those, together with you.

Why are you on your way now, but dying to do so without me? I'm so far behind you now....
I can and will never catch up with you anymore. Can you slow down for me? Can you turn back?

I am so torn apart do you know? Will you know?

My "DO NOT"

I just broke it again today, damn..
Believe me, the constant reminder of "DO NOT CRY" never leaves me. My Day 1 starts all over again tomorrow.

Nevertheless, i hope i am still missed. I hope..

"DO NOT, CRY."

Several Ways To Die Trying

Pacific Sun, you should have warned us, it gets so cold here.
And the night can freeze, before you set it on fire.

And our flares go unnoticed.
Diminished, faded just as soon as they are fired.

We are, we are, intrigued. We are, we are, invisible.

Oh, how we've shouted, how we've screamed, take notice, take interest, take me with you.

But all our fears fall on deaf ears.

Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies,
while closing our caskets cold and tight. But I'm dying to live.

Pacific sun, you should have warned us, these heights are dizzying,
and the climb can kill you long before the fall.

And our trails go unmarked and unmapped and covered
just as soon as they are crossed.

• The jammed part half way through the song, which till then we have not concluded if it was your MINI-DISC PLAYER's fault or just the way the song supposed to go.

• It used to just keep getting stuck but we continued what we were doing. at that very moment.

Did you forget this song, too? 

I never will.

Ethoz Passenger Team

About the 2rd month or so in Ethoz is approaching, this is definitely tougher than the previous when it comes to clinching the first deal..

There's more than just to meet the eyes here..

I am trying my best. My very best..

Sorry

I am sorry for all the wrongs i haven't been doing right.
I am sorry for all the hurtful things i have said to you without considering where it will lead us.
I am sorry for things that happened.
I am sorry i did not love you the way you wanted me to.
I am sorry for scaring you off with the way i love you.
I am sorry for failing in the years.

I wish my sorry really shows something to you, i wish. 

I have so much to tell you but it all just didn't come out right with you.

Last night, all i could ever do was to at least see you for the last time.
I broke down in tears after seeing Uncle because he unknowingly brought back our memories too.

Forgiveness was no longer that something i wanted out from you anymore. I could barely feel your love for me, maybe you are really right. It was long gone..

There is something i wish you would really believe despite the lost gone trust you have on me;
I really love you for as long as i am here and as long we have been in this. It really has been with me all the while.
You are right, i was never always showing it or even saying it. Because i took such a long way to see that i was too blinded and overly-concerned by our outcome and deeply neglected our process..

I once said, i lost the directions for us. I was so helpless so troubled; but never once wanted to lay it out on the table with you and make you part of the resolving team.
I kept wishing everything could move even faster and further for us. I always always wish.

My way of loving you was something that got you too suffocated, too stressful.
I hope one fine day we can really sit down together with a peace of mind and a open heart to feel each other's love all over again. 

I cannot wait for that day to come or rather, even if it wouldn't come one day, you will still always and forever be the only one i ever want to keep loving..

I guess it's pretty understandable that such love of mine can never be given to any other anymore, not anymore.

I am sorry...

Someday

All i know is that i have done whatever that is needed to prove out of the ever overrated word, "Love".

Across the months, i learned so much about life, about you and me, about love. There was never a day and night i go by without missing you and without feeling helpless.

Each hurt you gave, i hid back to cry and push myself on for the next few days, few weeks to better myself before turning up to you again. So that i have a valid reason to push us through..

I told myself not to cry, not to give up, keep going..
I read, i think, i wish, i hope, i try, i do everything.. Just to wait for that one special day of difference.

Can ego really take over love?
How much does it worth?

I have suicidal thoughts and i am really scared.
If our love can't be conquered, was it even love between us?

Never knew my life would come this far. Never knew the risk i took for us indeed only showed one thing; that it wasn't even strong to go any further..
As much as i am trying. But it always weigh lighter when there's two to carry..

I lost the way i lost everything. I can't go on even though i keep telling myself i can.
I so want to die.

Events Journey

The very last event of mine before i ended my days for IntoE..

 

This is of course not a part of IntoE Event, but after i left, 

colleagues turned friends.

Wilson seek my help for one of his OCBC event.

There i was for the Timbre's Event..

I guess this should more or less mark the end of my Events Journey.
To be in all honesty, i have many reasons why i left..

Though it wasn't very very long, but I definitely enjoyed my every single day striving for every events of my own and handling every single bit of obstacle that came along.
From working with people around, boss and every single one of my clients that gave me the big opportunity to run their event. From slogging every single day and every single minutes thinking about events events and events and burning most weekends for events. It was indeed not easy and i am glad i had that going pretty well for the past 9 months.

But of course, in the expense of my own relationship, my once settled relationship.

One of the reason why i decided to move on from the Event line not only mainly because of the injustice i felt in the company coming in terms of rewarding of my efforts, but also because i want to move away from somewhere i felt somehow took away someone ever so important in my life.

It may sound so silly so out of the topic, but i felt having to spend my focus on events and people out there more than my very own loved one was the ever gravest mistake i have ever made in my life, so far..

I neglected so much, including what was happening surrounding my loved one.
In short, i took it for granted.

Leaving for a completely different industry, a tougher industry to survive, as shortlived i foresee i can be here, i am just gonna give it a shot. At least i know i moved on from Events.

In fact, the mention of EVENTS really really put me into a really indescribable fear..

Should one day i goes back would probably be the day i have seen and sorted every single unbalanced out...

Meanwhile, i just want to settle myself into a place, a job that i know i could still handle every emotions well enough to await for the special someone's return..

GOOD LUCK YVONNE!

Insead's

Insead School was indeed a hard to please client but nevertheless, i'm done and over with.
This is the also the first time meeting up with Ben. Too bad Ben, i gotcha your real age!! As old as he looks like......
I have yet to hear him over at 91.3fm yet but lets hope i will have the chance and time to tune up to e radio one time and catch his special time slot soon.

Super Satisfied Client

This is one of my events which ended with super satisfied client. They are probably the best client i can have because they are really too nice to be true. I totally appreciate their understanding throughout the months before their actual event and they completely make the whole working relationship all worth it.

If all clients are just half as nice as them, i guess being in this industry would be all easy and perfect.