Sunday

I miss you all over again..

I can't get over you, what am I suppose to do?
Am I really not deserved to be happy?

You can do it, why is it not my turn?

Your selfishness win hands down. If I were as selfish as you said, i guess i won't still be hanging around like how i am at it for as long as whatever happened to us.

Selfish, You. Not me..

Raining in Heart

Today is a day I think i would want to pen it down; blog it down. I shall start from the very beginning of my morning, till this very moment of mine..

She asked me for this favor to drive down a car each to deliver to her customer. Was trying to be obviously be as helpful as i can be, i agreed so.
With her driving the new Camry for her customer, i drove her Integra. Purpose is so that she has a car to be back to office, not having had to trouble any of our company's drivers.

 I was of cos too eager to help, or maybe i should say, too eager to please, i didn't insist on getting the destination's address for my own info and guide. At least with that, i could do a quick a google for directions; and not just relying solely on following her car back on the road.

So shit happened.

No idea what the heck was she rushing, maybe she was really running out of time and rushing for delivery of car. So with her "godly" driving skills, i lost her on the highway.
With me having no bit of idea where the heck she is heading, i called her and finally asked for the address.

Not to my surprise, i lost my way and couldn't locate where the hell i am. (oh, through this experience, i am so determined to get a iPhone)
I ended up bumming around and she finally called to ask me to just drive back to office while she gets a driver to pick her up.

At that very moment, all i felt was, STUPIDITY. And of cos, quite expected that i will be the hit of topics during their coffee session. Well, i was right anyway.

Second part of my day was having able to fix 2 appointments with my cold called customers.
Having to know that he also changed to a new BMW, makes me feel even little......

After lunch with the Senior,  meetings and some entertaining and non-entertaining laughters to get pass our afternoon over coffee and snacks.. I would say the second half passed faster.

The evening ended when Boss came to our area with a short brief and "nag".
Just when i left office close to 7pm, a Whatsapp and a call came.

Zhiwei bummed into him.
Surface question includes, "How is Yvonne?"

EXCUSE ME? That's worst that being FAKE.
Just last week, my sister apped you. Just last fucking week and you ignored her as though she was a joke.
Excuse me? SHE USED TO BE SOMEONE WHO DOTE ON YOU MORE THAN YOUR OWN BLOODY SISTERS.

She didn't love you as her brother out of what you said the so called 爱屋及乌. 
Do you know how fucking hurtful it is to know? Do you know how fucking inhuman you are to someone who treated you this real; again, MORE THAN YOUR BLOODY FUCKING SISTERS.
Not even you having the slight sincerity to at least, wish her a Happy Birthday TODAY. 
WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE TO COME INTO MY FAMILY AND MAKE YOUR BUSINESS EVERYBODY'S? 

You chose Freedom over Love. 
You chose Ego over Love. 
You chose yourself over Love. 
So, this is what you really meant by Loving me?
Every word you said was all bullshit. You never really loved me. 

IF this is what you called Love, and how i ever loved you was wrong because it did came with certain expectations for the future of us; then i guess i will never love again. Because you made me feel that my definition of Love doesn't work. 

I am so tired of finding excuses for the way you are treating me now. I am so tired of myself feeling just how i am now. I am so tired of how i am living my days ever since i figured out issues with us many months ago, years ago. 

If Love shouldn't come with expectations, then what can we be?
Or should i say, all these while, it was just superficial love from you. Real love doesn't get beaten down this easily. No? 

Because all the while i am constantly working it through on my own, why just when for a moment i could no longer hang on, you didn't bother to hold on till we are back? 

Till the day i said i want a time off, i never had utter a part of Not Loving You Anymore.. Because i jolly well know how bad of me to be a liar to lie about this.
And you?

You said it, without hesitation. 


Very painful, so so so painful.....

Lost

Believe it or not, i have already lost trust, lost heart, lost hopes and lost myself.
I can't dictate what's Life what's Love anymore, really not anymore..

Im so restless now, so so restless...

Pain

Today was yet another uncontrollable day.

The "DO NOT CRY, DO NOT CRY" didn't seems to really work, even during daytime in the office. How come it just gets tougher as days goes? I thought it was suppose to be better by now!?

The moment i read the messages between Horsy and him, i couldn't control what was meant to be DO NOT. I just cried, it just streamed down that cheeks. WHY?
The harder i try, the more impossible everything gets. WHY?

How did i learn to sob the way i'm at it so well, so quietly on my own?

I thought this was what i initially wanted to see him going into, as a form of growing up. But little did i expect that having known that he is finally doing it without me could be this painful.. So painful.

I miss you so much so so much. So much so much that I wish i never had wanted so much out of us.
So much so much that I wish i never had chosen to take a single risk of us, naively thinking it was a constructive solution temporarily.

So pain now that i couldn't stop, thinking and crying. So pain that i could only do this on my own.

Im sorry i was so foolish, so crazy. Please.. i am sorry. I wanted so much to have everything back. I do not want any more rational solutions, better planned future. I do not want anything anymore. Because i only wanted those, together with you.

Why are you on your way now, but dying to do so without me? I'm so far behind you now....
I can and will never catch up with you anymore. Can you slow down for me? Can you turn back?

I am so torn apart do you know? Will you know?