Pain

Today was yet another uncontrollable day.

The "DO NOT CRY, DO NOT CRY" didn't seems to really work, even during daytime in the office. How come it just gets tougher as days goes? I thought it was suppose to be better by now!?

The moment i read the messages between Horsy and him, i couldn't control what was meant to be DO NOT. I just cried, it just streamed down that cheeks. WHY?
The harder i try, the more impossible everything gets. WHY?

How did i learn to sob the way i'm at it so well, so quietly on my own?

I thought this was what i initially wanted to see him going into, as a form of growing up. But little did i expect that having known that he is finally doing it without me could be this painful.. So painful.

I miss you so much so so much. So much so much that I wish i never had wanted so much out of us.
So much so much that I wish i never had chosen to take a single risk of us, naively thinking it was a constructive solution temporarily.

So pain now that i couldn't stop, thinking and crying. So pain that i could only do this on my own.

Im sorry i was so foolish, so crazy. Please.. i am sorry. I wanted so much to have everything back. I do not want any more rational solutions, better planned future. I do not want anything anymore. Because i only wanted those, together with you.

Why are you on your way now, but dying to do so without me? I'm so far behind you now....
I can and will never catch up with you anymore. Can you slow down for me? Can you turn back?

I am so torn apart do you know? Will you know?